Weird Christmas movies you need to see, serial killer cards to send now, and Bruce Pardo killing 9 with his festive flamethrower
...Because nothing says 'it's the festive season!' like wanting to gun down your entire family
Christmas officially started at my house last week. I sat on the floor and went into autopilot wrapping presents, sipping on a big glass of red wine, with my precious cats emotional support animals and iconic hun Annie Wilkes for company.
I can pinpoint the exact moment that Misery became my preferred Christmas movie. I woke up on December 25 at my parents’ house the year they moved 300 miles away from where I grew up. As a child, by 10am I’d usually be sitting in piles of wrapping paper as high as me, but as a 33-year-old, I definitely wasn’t getting all the shite I’d ringed in the Argos catalogue anymore.
Hungover, I dozily flicked on the TV and the snowy, opening credits for Misery filled the screen. My Christmas morning was officially underway.
I hadn’t seen Misery for maybe 20 years, but as I snuggled up and watched it, I was reminded of how much I had enjoyed the film first time round. I delighted in the tension and claustrophobic mind-games being played between crippled author and unhinged super-fan. The primal fear of being held captive. Dependency and control. The pet pig. The sledgehammer.
I loved it so much that from that day on, watching Misery became one of my personal Christmas traditions, along with my “annual Starbucks” (I am but a tedious Gwyneth-Paltrow-from-Wish), and baking a batch of cookies for my nearest and dearest.
Why you need to watch Misery this Christmas
Misery is the perfect antidote to December’s enforced jolliness, and a tonic to the capitalist gluttony which seeps in to every nook and cranny of Christmas; and at this time of year it’s easy to empathise with Paul Sheldon. We’ve all had to struggle to fit into other people’s routines, and be what they expect from us, losing our autonomy and voice as we try to keep hosts and loved ones from going absolutely berserk, wishing we could just go home, or at the very least, that we could be in charge for a bit.
And, at one point or another, we’ve been Annie. No, not a baby-killer or expert in slave punishments, but lonely. Desperate for someone to love us, to understand us, and want to be with us (out of choice). Aching to spend time with the people that mean the world to us, and not be disappointed by our favourite author’s new book.
Creepy Christmas movies you need to see
If you need more “ho ho ho” than “hobbling” from your festive films then look no further. I have rounded up five of the weirdest, grossest, goriest Christmas movies to watch this December. Personally, the first time I watched Who Slew Autie Roo I was legitimately horrified it’s only a PG, it’s creepy AF. A real forgotten gem.
If you think there’s something I need to add to my watchlist, then please let me know hello@sinisterisles.com - Christmas is the season of giving and receiving, after all.
There’s still time to send a serial killer Christmas card!
Speaking of which, I’ve just restocked our Jeffrey Dahmer Christmas card in the Sinister Isles Etsy shop, and added a new Ted Bundy design.
The last UK Christmas posting dates are creeping up, so if you want to send a pre-written card to someone to save time (and yourself a stamp) then that’s no problem. Just add your message to the order notes. Our Sinister Women zine is also a perfect stocking filler! Send them one of those, too!
Need something faster? I’ve just published our first ever eBook on the Kindle store, Horror-Scopes. This cute little read takes you on a journey through the cosmos, and unlocks the secrets of the universe to delve deep in to the psyches of fifteen of the most iconic and terrifying characters in cinematic and TV history… including Annie Wilkes (fyi, she’s an Aries).
Need more violence? Need more revenge? Need flamethrowers?
Then you need the case of Bruce Pardo. On Christmas Eve 2008 he gunned down eight members of his ex-wife’s family then incinerated them using a homemade flamethrower - all while dressed as Santa.
He torched the house with the help of 18 gallons of petrol. The inferno took 80 fire fighters two hours to put out. The relatives who he gunned down were "burnt beyond all recognition".
After the house was ablaze, Pardo also found himself significantly burned, with his cheap Santa costume melted to his skin. He removed what he could and changed into street clothes before fleeing... Find out what happened next at sinisterisles.com
The only Christmas song you need…
That’s all for this year. Stay sinister, and please share our little blog with your weirdo mates.